A Long and Winding Road

Well, here we are. Feeling rather lost today, so we’re going to write it all down in hopes of a few things. The first goal is to simply get out all of the negative self-talk so it isn’t kicking around my mind. The second goal is to hopefully help others feel normalized by reading that they aren’t the only ones who experience clinical depression and anxiety. The final goal is to have a record of this so I can speak about it with my therapist the next time I have therapy scheduled.

I have been working on the same goals professionally for a couple of years now. I first was hoping to get a new job over a year ago because, quite frankly, I needed to have more authority and more compensation at my company to do what needs to be done to conduct business the way it should be conducted. After working on this for quite some time (read: years), it seems like this is finally going to come to fruition start in 2026.

I should feel excited. Accomplished. Thrilled, even. This is what I have wanted for so long and it’s so close. Less than a month away.

I don’t, though. I feel empty, as if I now have nothing new to work towards. Without something new to work towards, I feel no purpose. When I feel no purpose, life feels meaningless. You can probably see how this spiral is no fun at all.

Full transparency - I don’t really have goals the way that other people do. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don’t. I never saw myself married or with a family. Honestly, I never expected to survive my clinical depression long enough for it to matter. I have reached a point where I have outlived the expectations I had for my lifespan earlier in life, and I constantly find myself wondering what comes next. I never made it this far in my head. I work so hard because I find work to be a welcome distraction, not because I am building towards some tangible outcome for myself or my loved ones. Not that I don’t want the best for my people, but that’s not what drives me.

This is not meant to be a complaint. I’m feeling rather shitty today (obviously), but overall, 2025 was a good year of personal development. Probably the best year I’ve ever had. This doesn’t mean that days like today don’t happen, though, and it feels incredibly empty. I don’t even know why I worked so hard for this, other than to provide me with something to do. I’m not even excited. I just feel numb. Sad, even.

I don’t know, man. There has to be more that I’m meant to do. I feel as if I’ve so drastically under-performed my potential all my life. Everything I accomplish is in spite of myself. I expect to fail or fall short, no matter how many times I show myself the opposite.

I’ve done well in 2025 to be patient and work on myself. I’ve felt all year like I’m treading water, just kind of getting by. I’m hopeful that this ends in 2026 and I can feel like I am moving in the right direction again. The new job will certainly help. Maybe I’m just in denial until it gets here.

Creating DepressiveHacks and exploring Web3 has long been a passion of mine. I don’t know what 2026 holds, but I hope for the best. I have quite a bit of time off work to end this year, and I think some reflection and self-care are in order. I feel so tired. It’s been so much work to get through this year. The last few have been agonizing to say the least.

As always, thanks for being here.